You’re a financial genius but you can’t boil water, so you pay the bills and your partner does the cooking.

Being known as the chef or accountant in your relationship seems like the perfect balance to make any household run more smoothly. But if you divide things up in the bedroom, you risk making sex into another chore.

Sex roles can seem natural when they’re based on your contrasting personalities. Say one of you is a born leader and the other less assertive—that label can transfer right into the bedroom.

But sex can also bring out certain gender stereotypes you thought were ancient history. A woman might worry that if she has to initiate sex then her partner doesn’t find her attractive, or that taking the lead makes her look too needy. A man may think it’s his job to make sex happen, but feel burdened by the responsibility or embarrassed to say he’s not in the mood.

Linda Banner, PhD, a San Jose, California sex therapist and research consultant at Stanford Medical Center, stresses that an unequal balance of power in the bedroom can lead to problems. “When one person in a couple always initiates sex or takes the lead in the bedroom, it may feel comfortable and safe, but it creates a lack of equality in the relationship,” she says. “The person initiating is left to feel unwanted, while the person always on the receiving end is missing out on experiencing a full sexual life. Even if it’s never spoken about, it’s still there.”

The best sex always involves some give and take. It’s important that both partners desire and feel desired to avoid damaged egos. If you never initiate sex, reach out and make the first move. But if you want your partner to take the lead, you can’t just will it to happen—you have to talk it out. It’s important to communicate so neither one of you takes it personally when you do have different needs. There really are times when you’re just not in the mood. You have to respect what your partner wants, even if it’s not always in sync with your desire.

Fear of rejection is a big issue around sex. If you’re not initiating because you’re worried about getting the cold shoulder in bed, take a lesson from your partner. Always being the one to make things happen can be a tough load to carry. If you never initiate sex, start with a little ear nibbling and see what develops. You can always work your way up to bolder actions.

Let’s say your partner wants to take the lead, and that makes you nervous. You don’t like giving up the power—you set the pace because you know what will turn you on. But think about how much your partner will enjoy creating a new routine. You should never count out the fun of being surprised. If you’re the take-charge type, lie back and relax to let your partner be the boss. You’ll find out what a turn-on it is to be the object of desire.

Sex Talk: How to Tell Your Lover Exactly What You Want, Exactly When You Want It , by Carole Altman (Sourcebooks), will give couples the tools they need to communicate everything, including fantasies and fetishes, preferences and desires, in a way that will make your sex life even more exciting and explosive.